Journal 64: A Reprieve

totally did, the escape to reality idea i had it all along. I will repeat myself again, i am a man of total freedom, i dont believe that anything can hold me back for doing something. Why? probably because i was rasied that way i suppose. My mom and dad taught me to be independent and do everything myself, simply because alot of times my mom would let me down. Well thats another side factor, mainly because they taught me to be independent.
After numerous times of failed extreme friendship, i became more and more isolated and stick to my own ways of doing things. I could sense the change in me myself. My interaction with people could be easy and smooth, but to go too in depth is something i decided to avoid. Its not that i'am afraid to get hurt or that kind of crap, its that i find it better to stay just knowing, that way you won't feel embarassed or annoyed by some of my other actions. Better for me, better for you
So back to the topic, funny, i was thinking about isolation this weekend. I was imagining what my 18th birthday would be like. Host a party in a motel? go out with a few friends? watch a movie?
No. What i really wanted to do lately, is to jump on a scooter. A harley davidson size scooter of my art teacher's and ride the coastline all the way to nanliao and drink some coffee alone. Enjoying the day all by myself, having a adventure of my own self and thinking about things. Life, what i want to do, stare into space and just enjoy music or meet someone new when im traveling.
its really  quite simpler to go out to the coastline and just ride and feel the wind without needing to say anything. You can chill, not afraid of any awkardness between people. I can stare into space and think about life. Im serious, i think deep nowadays. I might be young but i think about these philosophic things alot. I find it quite, captivating and interesting as i think about it more, the more it makes sense to me.
I want isolation at my 18th birthday, riding out on my own and just relax. Stroll away from art, stroll away from family, stroll away from highschool stroll away from everything and just think about life and enjoy time alone.

Journal 63: On Impulse

Well, i kind of have lots of impulse in lots of times. Either it is a buying impulse or like a adolesence sex impulse, which this happens alot of times. For example, you walked down the street and you see this very slutty girl showing off her ass or her boobs in a very showy manner. I just want to run up to her and pull her pants off or rip her shirt in half and feast on those tasty missiles. Things like this happens to me all the time. 

There are also impulses such as beating someone up you know. You walk down the street, someone just look really really unappealing to you walks y you and i just hate them so much i wish i could wipe them off the face of the earth. 

There are also some other times where Julius would do something really retarded where he knows i hate him and not found of him and he would do something that shows asif we're bros. I would slap his arm off and say F off, he would go like bitch... Those are the moments where i will go full burst and beat the crap out of him. 

His retarded comments most of the time really can piss me off to the absolute anger point. That, is something im trying to hold back. 

Journal 61: Mystery of Heroism

so yeah, the guy killed himself.
there is no set definition for the word heroism. The definition varies from person to person. I beleive a hero is one who is unrestrained of their emotions and do what's right. However the thing is, the characterisitics changes for different situations. You might be a hero with this specific mind set of yours at this time, but when it comes to another time, you're not so much a hero anymore. You might even be consider a fool. Another fact or idea behind the idea of heroism is the purpose of one's heroic actions. Your mind and what you motivation is might determine the fact of if you will be consider a hero.

Fred Collin started with just wanted to drink water. With the idea and stupid mind of the other people, he became more compelled to run out there and get some water for himself. Crowd efffect does have a influential effect on him i believe. The pressure that his getting from his comrades pushed him to run out there to get water. Its like he did a dare to get water by running himself through the valley of death.

I try to be a hero in various situations. I might wanted to lead a team or help people. however, i dont know why, they consider me as an joke where i did all the things that was asked for. When someone else do exactly the things i did, they were consider a hero or a fantastic figure. This is totally SHIT, absolultely shit that i hate when they do something like this. I dont understand the logic behind the idea that i can do things for free and good but not be praised or considered a hero. Then some other fucker comes in and do the same work i did and they got all the praise of the good guy. I hated that feeling, it makes me wanna kill everyone in the world and yell fuck you bitch. this reaction of the people is slowly pushing me off sane and i dont really want to help and be the hero anymore.
this is exactly why i feel extremely tired around people in the schools specially our class. I retreated from most of the presences because the girls in our class are seriously just a bunch of selfish cock sucking son of a bitches. I give up, i truly am, i've decided to sit back and watch the world burn if it realy happens. These fews years of experience have melted all my faith in young people. they are selfish, unconcerning, judgemental, and i could list off a whole bunch of things that i hate about these girls and people my age. I'm done communicating with these small minded creatures.

Journal 59: A Change of Heart

With the war going on, i think no one had the heart to look at all that nature anymore. Looking at the pictures, its quite evident that people are focusing their view on the war and the harsh life. The workers conditions are being shown and the racial differences might be implied as well? Not sure. The factory and nature was no longer something that was debated anymore, instead people put their focus on hard labor. From what i learned in Art history, the people focused on the class difference. Realism look at the hard side of life, trying to show and give people an idea what is the actual world.
Gritty and dirty brushstrokes covered the canvas for the sense of dirty and actual life. Nothing was idealized and innocence in life anymore. Lots of artists point the class difference where the rich are occupying and the poor had such harsh life. They begin wanting a change in life.
I reckoned that in poetry or literature, it will shift the focus into war stories and what a battle and bleeding is like. Besides the bleeding and nature of war, i think it will also put focus on describing the poor's situation in a sort of narrative feeling.